I Loved Vodka — June 27, 2017

I Loved Vodka

I loved vodka

Nothing else could sate my soul

That paint stripper quality of a Kirov

The mellow mood that came with Smirnoff

Triple Distilled

My thirst could never have its fill

We’d chase it with lines

That grew less and less fine

As the hunger increased

And all of our money went into the belly of the beast

A change came about, most unexpectedly

When lack of sleep became the priority

Its funny how basic instinct

Can make a conscience step aside and think, ponder, wonder…

Is this all there is?

The glaring truth is….

NO there’s so much more.

I began to see the colours of the world in bold

My love for the written word has begun to take hold

The sun is starting to shine again

Once more I’m becoming whole

 

 

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Anyone there? — May 31, 2017
— March 24, 2017

I wanted to find you within me

I didn’t want to look aimlessly up into the stars

Wondering if you were under the same ones, somewhere

I wanted you in my bed, in the here and now

Not merely a possibility

But my very real reality

Not just to be a mere possibility of my wishful thinking

Wanted to know your voice already

Not to strain for the whispers of a ghost, not yet risen

And then, the sun came through the curtains

My eyes opened and here I am

It has been nothing but a dream

And there your face is on my pillow.

 

 

 

No title. — January 27, 2017

No title.

All I have

is all I have

For all I have

I’m very glad

Sometimes my blessings are plentiful

Other times, perhaps not

One thing I know I’ll never be

is ungrateful for my lot

Our gifts are ours

and ours alone

Cherish them

Treasure them

Use them

Before they are gone.

Precious – A very old poem — November 7, 2016

Precious – A very old poem

(One of the very first poems I ever wrote, loosely based upon the near death of my younger sister whom almost died from meningitis, was read the last rites, but by nothing short of a miracle managed to pull through. She is now a beautiful 25 year old woman)
I’ll keep you in this box
Locked away from the sins of the world
Your porcelain skin remains perfect
Unblemished by the worries of this existenceYou can be my perfect secret
Untouched by the hands of men
Eternal youth blesses your angelic face
As you sleep forever in this hidden place

I love you,always have,always will
Even though you lay there , so still
I refused to believe when they said you were ill

Took you away where they could not reach you
Wanting so badly to keep you happy,keep you safe
When you closed your eyes that last time
I couldn’t lose you,the one thing that’s mine

So I found the best way for us to be together
Hidden from prying eyes
My child,my baby,a tiny image of me
Snatched away from my arms
But while mother is here,you will come to no harm
When my time comes,we will finally be together

I told them right from the start you are mine.
Forever.

I can’t sleep — October 31, 2016

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep

The Scarlett letters

It is 3.08 am and I can’t sleep. I have been trying since 10pm, at some point you have to admit defeat and just occupy yourself in other ways. Listening to Radio 4, one of their afternoon dramas. Radio has been a Godsend to me in these hours of insomnia which seem to come more often of late. The hours between 1am to 5.00 am when it seems like you are the only person alive in the world; in the darkness.

What do you use to comfort you when you can’t sleep? Do you write? Or maybe you read until your lids can hold themselves up no more?  Let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear your suggestions!

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Ungrateful — October 27, 2016

Ungrateful

See, the thing that is really difficult for me to grasp, is that I am truly, madly and deeply loved. I know I am. It courses through every vein in his body for me.

So why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Why do I feel like I’m somehow portraying an image that isn’t true? That one day he’s going to open his eyes and realise what horrors really lie beneath my moderately attractive facade.

I used to be confident, but somewhere along the way I lost my spark. My passion for words, romance and love have been misplaced at best, lost to the ages at worst.

Do I love him? Yes. His love is what lead me to believe in the very essence of Love.

But, oh how I struggle with the vulnerability of this love, to open up all, both good and evil, within me and lay bare the very centre of my being. To be truly known for everything you are, everything, is one of the greatest gifts life can offer. It’s also almost unbearable at times, to not be able to hide.

He is but a man, no pedestal do I put him on. Yet more than I can currently give him does he deserve.

I’ve lost myself, and he’s losing the woman he loves.

I love the rain. — September 19, 2016

I love the rain.

I love the rain. With Autumn almost upon us, I am vocal about how much I love the turning of the seasons. Autumn seems so fleeting, a momentary whisper in the wind and a vibrancy seen in the red and golden hues of the leaves as they fall from the trees. So quickly is she silenced by the bitter fingers of Winter.

Awaking early on a morning to the dim dawn light, with heavy rain against my windowpane, here is where I truly feel at peace.

 

What was that? Seriously. — July 25, 2016

What was that? Seriously.

I feel like I need to write this blog post because this thought just won’t leave my mind. The guy will never read this but I need to get it written down; the more I dwell upon it, the more pissed I feel about it. Always try to let things go is something I try to adhere to a lot of the time but for some reason I can’t let this incident go.

Around two weekends ago, my boyfriend and I were having a drink at home. Now most days I don’t really smoke but when I have a beer or two I do crave nicotine.  I’m obviously not going to smoke in our apartment so I was going downstairs and having a smoke just a little way up the street from the security gate of our apartment block.

Now bear in mind, I live in what is considered to be an up and coming area of London. There are lovely apartments on my street but one of the streets that runs adjacent to mine is what you could consider quite rough and ready. Our area is also quite poorly lit, I just wanted to set the scene for you there.

Even though I feel pretty safe on my street and even though I was standing just outside my building, I still have been born and raised in London and as such I am always aware of my surroundings. Unfortunately, the cherry of my cigarette in the dark was evidently a beacon of light for the man that came up to me. He asked me if I had a spare cigarette. I genuinely didn’t as I had left the packet of cigarettes upstairs in my apartment.  The guy towered over me, and I must admit (this is part of my annoyance at the situation), that I was intimidated by the way that he asked me. It was more of a demand than a request, there was no “please” phrased as part of this sentence. Wanting to get away, I didn’t even look him in the eye and simply said that he could have the remainder of the cigarette I was smoking, even though I had only really taken a few drags. Shoving it at him, I turned to hasten away to my building when he said, and this is what really, REALLY pisses me off

“Do you not want to chill with me whilst I smoke this”?

Hold up.

Wait.

WHAT? You have just come up to me, from the darkness, at nearly midnight on a Friday evening, willingly taken my cigarette from me, and then you actually presume that I would want to spend any amount of time with you? Especially when my body language is screaming back away from me.

Added to this, when I mumbled no and was hastening away, he asked me where I lived! Don’t forget, we were right in front of my damn building! Needless to say, I was more than a little shaken as I fumbled to get the security gate opened and slammed close before he could possibly make it into the hallway between our security gate and the security door to our building.

So, creepy woman intimidating man that clearly didn’t care about scaring a woman, I really hope we never meet again.

 

 

Guest — July 12, 2016