I can’t sleep — October 31, 2016

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep

The Scarlett letters

It is 3.08 am and I can’t sleep. I have been trying since 10pm, at some point you have to admit defeat and just occupy yourself in other ways. Listening to Radio 4, one of their afternoon dramas. Radio has been a Godsend to me in these hours of insomnia which seem to come more often of late. The hours between 1am to 5.00 am when it seems like you are the only person alive in the world; in the darkness.

What do you use to comfort you when you can’t sleep? Do you write? Or maybe you read until your lids can hold themselves up no more?  Let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear your suggestions!

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Ungrateful — October 27, 2016

Ungrateful

See, the thing that is really difficult for me to grasp, is that I am truly, madly and deeply loved. I know I am. It courses through every vein in his body for me.

So why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Why do I feel like I’m somehow portraying an image that isn’t true? That one day he’s going to open his eyes and realise what horrors really lie beneath my moderately attractive facade.

I used to be confident, but somewhere along the way I lost my spark. My passion for words, romance and love have been misplaced at best, lost to the ages at worst.

Do I love him? Yes. His love is what lead me to believe in the very essence of Love.

But, oh how I struggle with the vulnerability of this love, to open up all, both good and evil, within me and lay bare the very centre of my being. To be truly known for everything you are, everything, is one of the greatest gifts life can offer. It’s also almost unbearable at times, to not be able to hide.

He is but a man, no pedestal do I put him on. Yet more than I can currently give him does he deserve.

I’ve lost myself, and he’s losing the woman he loves.