No title. — January 27, 2017

No title.

All I have

is all I have

For all I have

I’m very glad

Sometimes my blessings are plentiful

Other times, perhaps not

One thing I know I’ll never be

is ungrateful for my lot

Our gifts are ours

and ours alone

Cherish them

Treasure them

Use them

Before they are gone.

Ungrateful — October 27, 2016

Ungrateful

See, the thing that is really difficult for me to grasp, is that I am truly, madly and deeply loved. I know I am. It courses through every vein in his body for me.

So why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Why do I feel like I’m somehow portraying an image that isn’t true? That one day he’s going to open his eyes and realise what horrors really lie beneath my moderately attractive facade.

I used to be confident, but somewhere along the way I lost my spark. My passion for words, romance and love have been misplaced at best, lost to the ages at worst.

Do I love him? Yes. His love is what lead me to believe in the very essence of Love.

But, oh how I struggle with the vulnerability of this love, to open up all, both good and evil, within me and lay bare the very centre of my being. To be truly known for everything you are, everything, is one of the greatest gifts life can offer. It’s also almost unbearable at times, to not be able to hide.

He is but a man, no pedestal do I put him on. Yet more than I can currently give him does he deserve.

I’ve lost myself, and he’s losing the woman he loves.

I love the rain. — September 19, 2016

I love the rain.

I love the rain. With Autumn almost upon us, I am vocal about how much I love the turning of the seasons. Autumn seems so fleeting, a momentary whisper in the wind and a vibrancy seen in the red and golden hues of the leaves as they fall from the trees. So quickly is she silenced by the bitter fingers of Winter.

Awaking early on a morning to the dim dawn light, with heavy rain against my windowpane, here is where I truly feel at peace.

 

What was that? Seriously. — July 25, 2016

What was that? Seriously.

I feel like I need to write this blog post because this thought just won’t leave my mind. The guy will never read this but I need to get it written down; the more I dwell upon it, the more pissed I feel about it. Always try to let things go is something I try to adhere to a lot of the time but for some reason I can’t let this incident go.

Around two weekends ago, my boyfriend and I were having a drink at home. Now most days I don’t really smoke but when I have a beer or two I do crave nicotine.  I’m obviously not going to smoke in our apartment so I was going downstairs and having a smoke just a little way up the street from the security gate of our apartment block.

Now bear in mind, I live in what is considered to be an up and coming area of London. There are lovely apartments on my street but one of the streets that runs adjacent to mine is what you could consider quite rough and ready. Our area is also quite poorly lit, I just wanted to set the scene for you there.

Even though I feel pretty safe on my street and even though I was standing just outside my building, I still have been born and raised in London and as such I am always aware of my surroundings. Unfortunately, the cherry of my cigarette in the dark was evidently a beacon of light for the man that came up to me. He asked me if I had a spare cigarette. I genuinely didn’t as I had left the packet of cigarettes upstairs in my apartment.  The guy towered over me, and I must admit (this is part of my annoyance at the situation), that I was intimidated by the way that he asked me. It was more of a demand than a request, there was no “please” phrased as part of this sentence. Wanting to get away, I didn’t even look him in the eye and simply said that he could have the remainder of the cigarette I was smoking, even though I had only really taken a few drags. Shoving it at him, I turned to hasten away to my building when he said, and this is what really, REALLY pisses me off

“Do you not want to chill with me whilst I smoke this”?

Hold up.

Wait.

WHAT? You have just come up to me, from the darkness, at nearly midnight on a Friday evening, willingly taken my cigarette from me, and then you actually presume that I would want to spend any amount of time with you? Especially when my body language is screaming back away from me.

Added to this, when I mumbled no and was hastening away, he asked me where I lived! Don’t forget, we were right in front of my damn building! Needless to say, I was more than a little shaken as I fumbled to get the security gate opened and slammed close before he could possibly make it into the hallway between our security gate and the security door to our building.

So, creepy woman intimidating man that clearly didn’t care about scaring a woman, I really hope we never meet again.

 

 

… — March 31, 2016

Blogging hasn’t ever really been something that has ever come easy to me. I feel like such a boring person because I don’t have any real discernible hobbies or pastimes, aside from writing.

Writing. That which I profess to love and yet have done so little of in the past two or three years. Its said that you should write what you know. The thing is, I don’t really feel like I know any subject well or deep enough to appear any form of authority or even reliable source on it. That being said, we all have some stories, just through the sheer absurdity of the human condition, which are interesting and even amusing to others. I guess I could write about those for a while, see if any inspiration is forthcoming from the feelings that remembering them brings forth?

Unfortunately, my own personal stories, the more colourful ones at least, come from previous relationships. I haven’t traveled extensively,  sky dived, nor have I done great works of charity or anything that would ever go viral on Thought Catalog. However, I have had the pleasure of some truly awkward, embarrassing and downright bizarre experiences in my dating history. So the few people that read my blog can look forward to a few chuckles (I hope) over the coming weeks as I lay bare the choice stories from my  twenties.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to trying to get back into the blogosphere!

Sx

What do I call him? — June 24, 2015

What do I call him?

It’s a funny old thing. On a television show recently, I heard a man of advancing years refer to his lady friend as his “girlfriend”, they seemed to be around the mid sixties mark in age. I’m no ageist, but it felt a little odd to hear him refer to her as such, the word girlfriend (or boyfriend) has more youthful connotations for me, personally. It brought to mind the question, what do we call the person who occupies the romantic interest position in our lives?

Partner, life partner, girl/boyfriend, other/better half, husband/wife, significant other, lover – to name but a few choices for the moniker we have for that important one in our life.

Personally, I refer to mine as my boyfriend, I’m 28 and feel that this is a suitable term to use when referring to him and/or our relationship to others (he’s 36) at this current time. However, I feel that as we grow older and our relationship deepens, it may be necessary to adopt a term which we feel reflects the level of commitment in our relationship.

Who knows though, maybe the old term “boy/girlfriend” will stick and work just as well for us through the years? After all, no-one in any relationship should ever have to prove their commitment to others, and it may be just another word, another definition which society, by default, feels the need to categorise people into.

How do you refer to that important person in your life? Or are you not bound by terms and simply just choose to be?

No title — December 4, 2014

No title

Sometimes She dislikes He for no reason
She just feels like it in that day
And isn’t that the sad truth of it?
Sometimes we all hurt others, just because we can?
It’s always easier to see the Evil all around
Rather than the small good deeds that occur everyday, without a sound
You can spend a lifetime dreaming of the things yet to happen
Missing out on the simple pleasures of the present
Ever wonder why they call it that? The clues in the name.
They call us the human race, but who are the winners? Really?
We all end up at the same finish line.
Maybe you class winning as the distance ran? 70 years? Is that a good innings?
Or maybe you count the amount of people who you leave a mark on as the winners rosette?
Me? I’m more happy for every day I wake up still here!
Yet it’s so deliciously easy to get caught up in the minutiae of the daily grind
Be wary of looking at the stars for too long, some warn
They might disappear, and you’ll be disappointed by the dawn

My relationship with God — December 3, 2014

My relationship with God

Many who know me well are not aware of my deep relationship with God. Deep down, below my personality of a somewhat bawdy, moderately intelligent, gregarious and sometimes driven way too quickly to temper individual, there is always God. I don’t ever seek to speak to others of my love for God, or to try and change their beliefs. He is my Heart and that’s all that matters to me.

There have been many dark times in my life where I have questioned His ways. However, I think this is just part of my journey, as I get older I am beginning to trust in him more and open my heart to the path He is walking with me. Although I will always feel a lack of human companionship when there are no other human beings to be found, I always feel a presence with me. I believe it to be Him. So I am never really alone, for He is always with me.

He is the only one who will every truly know me, every good deed and dark thought that I have ever done or possessed. Yet He loves me still. It’s because of His love that I am able to take the hurt that has lingered from my earthly loves and heal from them and realise that his Divine love is the most important love I possess.

Most importantly, it is through His love that I have learnt to love others, to forgive when I have been wronged, and to ask for forgiveness when I have hurt others.

I identify as a Christian but I do not visit church, for I believe that God is everywhere and present wherever I am and whatever I am doing. However, I do aim to visit church more often, just to reflect as sometimes the words I need to pray come easier when I am in His house.

I love him with all of my heart.

Catch Up/Where I Write — November 4, 2014

Catch Up/Where I Write

I’ve been unable to blog recently as daily life came into play, which is an awful excuse I know. To give myself a little leeway I will say that I have one new, and one potentially new client that I have been corresponding with, so I have been earning a crust which sometimes has to take precedence.

I am committing Sunday of this week to catching up with all of the Blogging 201 tasks which I have fallen stupendously behind with. I’ve felt a real drag that I have been unable to do even one or two of them of late so I am looking forward to that immensely.

On a side note, I do adore a good adage. However I’ve never really been a fan of that old chestnut of an adage “a picture is worth a thousand words” namely because I make a living from words! In this instance though, I thought that I would include a photo in my post to give anyone mildly interested in my working environment (i.e my desk in my bedroom) a sneak peek into where I bash words out on a keyboard everyday. So here it is!

20141104_115953

Nothing very exciting there I am afraid. My favourite item on my desk is my penguin pen holder which holds my fountain pen (or grown up pen as I prefer to call it). The pen holder was bought in a charity shop by me, intended as a gift for a close friend but which I kept as I loved it so much. It’s very beaten up though.

My pen jar! I have two other perfectly serviceable, and actual pen jars which I don’t use. Instead I used a large, old glass coffee jar as I like to see my pens and I prefer the simplicity of using a glass jar.

The obligatory mug of coffee, perhaps the biggest stereotype of what you would expect to find on a writers desk. This rather colourful one has a picture of Princess Lea on it. The mug does not belong to me but I am a Star Wars fan (how could you not be – the films are AWESOME).

Hmm….let’s see what else is there? Oh yes, the new La Roux album – Trouble In Paradise. I’m a big fan of La Roux, this was their first release in five years!

Hope that gives you a little insight into me! What kind of things do you keep on your desk?

Food. My one great love. — January 25, 2014

Food. My one great love.

Food-my-one-great-love

Food, glorious food. Food is, quite possibly, the one great love of my life. This love affair seems to have only truly bloomed within the past two or so years. I can’t remember being this enamoured of tasty treats in my younger days. It just crept in gradually, this adoration, reeling me in with flavours, smells and the sheer damn beauty of a plate laden with goodness.

We have an odd relationship, food and I. It started backwards. During my adolescence, we were enemies, in my early adulthood, friends. Now, in adulthood, we are, and always will be, lovers.
Previously, I regarded food as merely sustenance, the necessary fuel required to steer me through the day. I would eat bland, albeit healthy, meals. My taste buds were so uncultured to the wealth, the variety that existed in the world. I regret those wasted years now. Time that could have been spent experiencing culinary delights, beyond anything my imagination could conjure up. Of course, now, it has become almost a life goal to devour as many different combinations of foodstuffs as are available to me.

Perhaps I sound to you like something of the glutton? To a degree, you may be correct. However, I hold it to be an unquestionable truth, that food is good not just for the body, but the soul. A meal itself isn’t the standalone prize. There are so many other factors. The people you share it with, the place you eat it, the memories that are created. One faint whiff of a food you enjoy can take you back, instantly, to the first time you tried it. Spices, sauces, seasoning, transport you to far flung lands you may never have even visited, but have always dreamed about.

Of course, as with all things, overindulgence can ruin ones enjoyment. However, it is most often overindulgence of the most depressing, flavourless foods that leads to a rotund figure. Fast food, the bane of mankind. The convenience of this food is quickly overshadowed by the empty feeling it leaves inside. It fills a hole, but does it ever really make you happy? You spend money on something that has had no care taken in its preparation, is nothing but bad for your health, and the profits from which line the pockets of someone whom really doesn’t care if you enjoyed your meal.
Where’s the fun in that?

I associate food with many things; friends, family, joy, memories. It’s not always with the good times, who hasn’t comfort eaten when they’ve had a broken heart, a bad day at work? The one thing it reminds me of though, above all of these things, is love. It is the constant that allows our lives to keep on going, our hearts to keep beating. Food keeps us alive, loves gives us a reason to keep on living.